In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms

In Praise of Stay-at-Home Moms by Dr. Laura Schlessinger "I always noticed a great decrease in the quality of life when Mom was working. She was under considerably more stress ans was not as effective as a parent: less warm, more reactive, able to meet fewer needs, less discipline, etc." I believe a child needs to know that his mother loves him more than she loves a job, career, fame, power, money, prestige, or celebrity. With you, a SAHM, they get to chase butterflies, help with meals, go on errands and adventures, get explanations and inspiration, nap and open their eyes and see their mommy's smiling, loving face, play with food, and on and on and on. Most importantly, they're in an environment that is familiar, filled with the sounds, sights and smells of family, and with a person who makes them the center of the universe at a developmental period when they need that security. What do you want your children to think is right and wrong? How do you want them to see life and death? What do you hope they'll learn and practice about compassion? How do you want them to approach a relationship with God? Who do you want to teach them about bullies, friends, pets, school, relatives, hurts, fears, or disappointments? What habits do you want them to develop? How can you imagine being the one your children will go to when there are problems or trouble if you are not the primary caregiver.... the mommy? There is no such thing as quality time as an entity separate from quantity time. You can never know when a moment of angst or curiosity will hit your child, and you have to be responsive to that moment or feeling in your special way. Quality moments occur only when there is quantity time for them to spontaneously occur. "I was doing neither to the best of my ability, and feeling pulled between them both at all the times." "the mundane parts of my job are elevated to the loftiest height when I am held in HER esteem- not MY self-esteem. I will know that it was ME who taught her to love truly, and giver her husband and children a legacy of devotion and commitment." Leaving work might feel like one of the hardest things you'll ever do. You'll probably feel like you're going from a job or career in which you get daily ego boosts to a situation where there is no compensation or psychological or emotional reward. It's not only that your work defined who you were; many of you love your jobs and careers because because of the stimulation and camaraderie, because of the goals you accomplish, and because of the financial remuneration that leads you to feel like you are really and truly contributing to the family. Many of you SAHMS are suffering from feeling undervalued as a person because you chose to stay at home- as though you are no longer a productive person in society and in your home. Yet one of the major aspects of not being a SAHM is that you are visible in the world- seen coming and going and being responsible for things. For some women, a sense of invisibility strikes once they are at home with children; all of a SAHMs "work responsibilities" are within the walls of her residence, where she is generally alone. Since no goal is ever really accomplished for good- no kitchen cupboard stays stocked, no diaper stays unfilled, and no bathroom stays clean- her repetitive efforts can feel thankless and unnoticed. This is where a good husband comes in- one who expresses appreciation and gratitude for the woman who is raising his children and creating a lovely, peaceful, happy home for all of them. "her prior career as a teacher is something she's doing every day with her child." The fact that you can never really get anything under control; children are by nature unpredictable and resistant to organization. You'll have to relax your exacting standards, surrender the dream of a perfectly organized home with everything in its place, and give up your ideal of perpetually well-behaved children. You have to either assume that attitude and perspective- or you'll go nuts! I felt some pressure to perform if I wasn't contributing any $$. Isn't is sad that importance in the world and in the family has become so tightly associated with money? Isn't it sad that a difference in roles (homemaker versus financial provider) has come to mean a difference in value as a human being? The wondrous feeling of being the center of your family, the one everyone turns to. You are the glue of the family. Bored people are usually boring. If you're waiting for your husband to come home and magically transform you from Ms. Poutiness into ms. Enthralled- forget it. What you decide to put into the situation, not the situation itself, is what is going to make the difference in your enjoying every day. So think about it less as "Is that all there is?" and more as "I can't believe how much I have." The hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. The individual who nurtures, teaches, and loves a developing human being is worthy of the highest esteem and is hardly "ordinary". "If you work, you come home too tired to fool with your kids, make a home-cooked dinner, or have sex with your husband." Always be your husband's girlfriend! SAHMS are SAHMS because they realize the blessing of the opportunity to make a profound difference in their own lives, their families, their community, and ultimately the world as they coordinate the lives of their family members to that no one feels neglected, unimportant or unloved because of the limited commitment of their parents. Since the 1960's there has been a shift in values from obligation to fulfillment. An activity has to give pleasure, or it is without true value. If the activity does not make you feel good or feel better about yourself, then its usefulness to your life is questionable. So, that means that tilling the soil, planting the seeds, watering and fertilizing, protecting from the elements, aren't worthwhile activities because in and of themselves, they are not fulfilling? How then, do you ever get a harvest? Life is just not always fulfilling. A sense of fulfillment needs to see forward, and not just at the moment. A letter from a woman who had been a police officer. When she went in to human resources to turn in her equipment and badge, the female superior told her that she worked so hard for. She tried to explain to the superior that she was doing what she believed to be the right thing for the baby, but that wasn't received with much enthusiasm. Then, just to change the subject, the SAHM asked her superior about herself and her family. The superior said that she was busy, and that the boys were okay; one was in school, another had a broken arm, and the third was home sick with 103 degree temperature, being cared for by her soon-to-be-ex-husband. "At that moment" she wrote, "I thought I had just received the biggest neon sign from God that I was doing the right thing." Nobody's career ever said, I love you, Mommy. "I'm stuck here all day with the kids, the laundry, and the dishes-I have to clean and do errands and take care of everything while you just go to work and come home and want to put your feet up and have me cater to you! You don't know how hard I work, and I don't think you show any appreciation. Not only that- after the day I've had, you expect me to have sex? Are you kidding? I'm tired, and there is always so much more to do around this house while you sit around doing nothing." You get more love, attention, and appreciation by giving the same, not with demands or complaints. He will be more available to romance you if you take care of him. "By staying at home I can rest when my baby rests, take care of my home and family, without feeling stressed or overworked. The result is I have more energy to love up my husband. this has strengthened our marriage beyond measure." I suggest SAHMS catch a nap here and there when the kids are resting, so that at the end of the day they will not feel stressed or overworked. If you don't do that, you won't have the energy to actually enjoy your family and love up your husband. Way too many families get way too caught up in having way too many activities per hour per day. Children do not need half a dozen sports, music, art, or theater activities. Kids actually need more free playtime without adult instruction and control. Play beautiful music in the home, go bike riding or ball playing with your children; give them art supplies and let em do their own thing. You don't have to pay or drive for children to experience the world and expand their horizons. They don't have to go to some special program to learn to plant a garden or take care of pets. Make these a typical part of your family experience. While they are engaged in these activities, you have the time to watch and/or get some chores done. The competitive issue is no small one, involving everything from how much each makes each year to who did more chores around the house to who has more responsibilities, stress, and burdens. All too often, this just leads to arguments and animosity. The mother offers comfort; the father stimulates stoicism. Both aspects are equally necessary. Too many moms go into a "Dad is mean" mode. Dad's input is absolutely essential for balance. Without that balance, kids never learn to feel and to be confident. Enjoying versus just doing. "Enjoying" is sometimes a decision; at other times it is a wonderful surprise. Whining loves company, and shared whining generally results in a magnification of negative feelings, which usually result in a lousier mood and less cordial behaviour toward ones' spouse. That means that when you get into the "My life is meaningless," "Poor me, I'm giving so much of myself and getting so little," or "Where is the me time?" complaints, you're surely in self-destruct mode. And when you self-destruct, the whole family goes down with you because, accept it or not, the woman is the center of the universe, the very breath of a family. Patience is not a virtue that people are born with; it's an ability one develops with practice. It would seem that simplification brings increased peace and satisfaction and decreased chaos and frustration. A caller complained to me that she was tired of the everyday tasks of being a mom. I asked her about her day, and it became clear by her answer that she was spending all of her time being a devoted housekeeper, not a SAHM. I felt so relieved to hear from another mother who was equally frustrated at times that not feeling happy about it all the time was, well, normal! That took my anxiety level all the way down to just about zero. Dear Santa: I've been a good mom all year. I've fed, cleaned and cuddled my children on demand, visited the doctor's office more than my doctor and sold 62 cases of candy bars to raise money to plant a shad tree on the school playground. I was hoping you could spread my Christmas list over several years, since I had to write this letter with my son's red crayon on the back of a receipt in the laundry room between cycles, and who know if I"ll find any more time in the next 18 years. Here are my wishes: I'd like a pair of legs that don't ache(in any color except purple, which I already have) and arms that don't hurt or flap in the breeze, but are strong enough to pull my screaming child out of the candy aisle in the grocery store. I'd also like a waist, since I lost mine somewhere in the 7th month of my last pregnancy. If you're hauling big ticket items this year, I'd like fingerprint-resistant windows and a radio that only plays adult music, and a refrigerator with a secret compartment behind the crisper where I can hide to talk on the phone. On the practical side, I could use a talking doll that says, "Yes, Mommy," to boost my parental confidence , along with two kids who don't fight and three jean skirts that will zip all the way up without the use of power tools. I could also use a recording of Tibetan monks chanting "Don't eat in the living room" and Take your hands off your sister," because my voice seems to be just out of my children's hearing range and can only be heard by the dog. If it's too late to find any of these products, I'd settle for enough time to brush my teeth and comb my hair in the same morning, or the luxury of eating food warmer than room temperature without it being served in a Styrofoam container. If you don't mind, I could also use a few miracles to brighten the holiday season. Would it be too much trouble to declare ketchup a vegetable? It will clear my conscience immensely. It would be helpful if you could coerce my children to help around the house without demanding payment as if they were the bosses of an organized crime family. Well, Santa, the buzzer on the dryer is calling my name, and my son saw my feet under the laundry room door. I think he wants his crayon back. Yours Always, MOM P.S. One more thing... you can cancel all my requests if you can keep my children young enough to always believe in Santa.

Prayer Journal

Keep a prayer card or journal beside your bed. Before you pray contemplate on what it is that you need to pray about. Write the date and what it is you are specifically praying for at that time. Leave a couple lines between each concern. There are some things that you will always pray for and there is not specifically an answer. Just write the things that hoping to recieve an answer for or help with. Continue to take down notes as more concerns come throughout time. When a prayer is answered or unanswered(and you see the reasoning behind it) write it down next to the original concern with the date. It is testimony building to see how prayers are answered and also fun to look back and see the different events and concerns going on your life. This would also be good to do for family prayer to help your children to see the power of prayer and be more aware of the things we should pray for.

Object Lesson on Support

In California there are huge Redwood trees that are know for their enormous size. Some of them are over 2000 yrs. old and still standing. The reason these trees have done so well and able to grow so big is because of their root systems. It differs from the way many trees' roots behave. Most roots tunnel down for support from the ground, but the Redwood trees spread their roots horizontally. This enables them to knit their roots with other Redwood trees around them. Because the Redwood trees support eachother through their root system, they are able to reach their full capacity and stand much longer than most trees. I like to relate this to the family/ward/friends- we need to ground our roots in the same way that the Redwood trees ground theirs. We need to tightly knit our roots together so that we are there to help each other reach full capapcity and help them stand when times get rough.

Favorite Quotes

"When we walk into a room we are influencing it."
"It is not the way you feel around others that matters, it is the way you make others feel when they are around you."  Hillary Weeks
"Be believing.  Be happy.  Don't get discouraged.  Things will work out."  President Hinckley
"There is no more faith-promoting and discouragement-chasing experience than to kneel before God."
"Spending Time with Children is more important than spending money on Children." Anthony Douglas Williams
"When the mess is gone, the children are Gone too."

Recommended Books

Awake Arise and Come unto Christ- Sheri Dew
Press On- messages on faith, hope, and charity from Joseph B. Wirthlin

The gift of Encouragement

Ephesians 4:29
Present a little silver box with a bow on top. Talk about how our words should be like a gift. Always build up others and speak kind words.

Object Lesson on Trials

"When the rain came down and the floods came up the house on the rock stood still." We are told to build our house on the rock. I believe most of us have been working to build our houses on the rock. But when trials and tribulations come upon us sometimes we think why is this happening to us when I have worked so hard to build my house upon the rock? What we need to realize is that our house might be built on the rock, but the rain is still going to fall and the floods will still come up. Hard times will still come our way even when we are built upon a firm foundation. But it is that firm foundation that will keep us where we need to be.

Object Lesson on Eternal Perspective

Draw a large X on the board. Talk about all the things that we are told not to do in the church. Things that others might call restrictions from having fun. Examples: no drinking, no premarital sex, no dating until 16, no swearing, no immodest clothes, etc. This all seems hard to follow and like we are being told what not to do all of the time. A lot of people believe we aren't enjoying life or experimenting, or know what life is really all about. The part they are not seeing is that by doing those things they are only restricting themselves. Although it may feel at times like we have this big X on us of things not to do- as we continually make righteous choices the X opens up and gives us more opportunities for happiness than those that thought they were experiencing happiness. A choice not to have premarital sex during our teenage years means experiencing the joy of the temple and being sealed to your spouse and children for eternity. All the small choices that are made that feel like restrictions will eventually become blessings and bring much more joy than the instantaneous moments of happiness from making unrighteous choices.

Object Lesson on Sin

A talk was given in sacrament on sinning and as the speaker was giving his talk he held up a white piece of paper in front of him as he spoke he slowly removed the front paper and placed in back of the pile. The paper that followed next was just a tint darker than the paper before it, barely enough that a person would pick up on the sublte difference. After sometime of speaking and changing the paper he showed the difference between the first and last paper which was very noticeable. That is very similiar to how sin sneeks its way into our lives. As we justify little by little and become comfortable with small unrighteous changes we can barely see that we are slipping away from being pure and white. Before we know it we have changed and may feel dirty/dark.